Healing My Heart

 

The stress and trauma of the last two years have calmed enough for me to finally take a few deep breaths and heal my heart. Of course, this is not something that is done in a day, as much as my strategizing, achievement-driven, forward-focused self would prefer. No, this is a long, deep, and emotional process and it’s not going to be something I get to tick off my to-do list.

I have been feeling exceptionally tired and my mood has been low for the greater part of two months, so I decided to book an appointment with a Naturopath. Part of her intake form asked about the most recent, top five, stressful events. I knew I was in trouble when I wrote out my list.

  • January 2017 My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer
  • February 2017 My third child who recently came out as transgender was suicidal
  • April 2017 My oldest child relapsed in her mental illness and drug addiction
  • May 2017 My mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly
  • October 2017 My youngest child was diagnosed with a lifelong autoimmune disease
  • I threw in a 6th for good measure… I had major surgery in November of 2017 followed quickly by the flu three weeks into my recovery.

I met with The Naturopath in her corner office overlooking the beautiful autumn colors on a walking path along the Bow River. We discussed the list and all my symptoms and we’re doing blood tests and exploring the physical implications, of course, but the biggest takeaway I got from the Naturopath was what she found during some muscle testing. She said my Heart Chakra needs work. She explained that I am hyper-focused on tasks and work, and that I need to learn to trust others with my heart again, to acknowledge my fear of more disappointment in relationships, my fear of being let down yet again, and my fear that getting close to someone may add more stress and demands on my time and energy.

She had just met me, yet my body told her the story of my life. She mirrored for me exactly why I felt desperately lonely. And, she was 100% right.

This is how I cope with stress, the way I coped my whole life in my dysfunctional childhood, as an ICU nurse, and with every challenge as a mother: shut down all emotions except anger, lock them up inside, be cool and composed on the outside, and focus on the solution. The role I assume is the strong one, the responsible one, the fixer. I don’t do warm and fuzzy in a crisis, and I have been in crisis so long that I don’t remember what warm and fuzzy feels like.

How has this affected my kids, my husband, and my sister all dealing with their own level of grief? Do they know that I shut down to survive and not because I don’t love them?

I had started making friends when I moved to Calgary, mostly in the context of being an entrepreneur, but I have retreated from all of them on some level. I was ashamed of how crazy my life had become, I didn’t feel like I had deposited enough in the friendship bank after knowing these women for such a short amount of time to justify requesting a withdrawal yet. And I had nothing in me to give to them if they had a crisis of their own. I was ashamed of my need when I spent a lifetime being the caregiver. Ironically, I know many of these women would step up and show up if I asked, but I just can’t bring myself to ask, so I continue on with this façade that tells everyone that I’ve got my shit together and deal with my lonely broken heart alone in the dark.

Make no mistake, this is all my responsibility. This is not a convoluted cry for sympathy or a manipulative way to make others feel bad or sorry for me. I am responsible for the choices I made under stress and I am responsible for the choices I make to heal today.

This is a precautionary tale for anyone who is hiding behind a mask and dealing with a broken heart in silence. It doesn’t get better on its own. We have to take the steps to trust and love again. This is also an apology. I am sorry for not fully showing up in relationships, for not asking for help, for not revealing my true essence and for not seeing, and being with, your true essence. I swear I know how to do this, I know how to love and be loved. If you can be patient with me while I get my heart back online, I look forward to nurturing and trusting true friendships again.

5 comments on “Healing My Heart
  1. Rob Halfyard says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. Silent grief can be and is devastating , which continues to compound our grief process.
    “A big part of transforming grief to growth is the process of creating a new self with new , meaningful life narratives.” (Creative Grief Coaching Studio)
    Roc

  2. Aime says:

    I see you my friend. You are not alone. I am grateful you moved out here. Hugs to you

  3. Bonnie says:

    How beautiful, Tammy.
    Raw. Real. Vulnerable.
    I see you. I feel you.

    I’ve been in this place of pain, not wanting anyone to know my pain and not wanting to be judged and not wanting people to feel sorry for me and not feeling I could contribute to a friendship …and …and …and

    A few weeks ago, I saw an acronym for PAIN:
    P= Presence (Pain helps us to be present.)
    A=Awareness (With pain comes an awareness of what we want and don’t want.)
    I=Integration (With awareness comes an opportunity for integration.)
    N=New Begiinings (With integration comes an opportunity for new begiinings.)

    I love the ALL of you.

  4. Dixie says:

    Beautiful message Tammy, you have built a tribe connecting many and we are all better because of you and your presence, you unite people. You continue to be a strong voice even though it may not be your full voice. I see you and love you and appreciate you.

  5. Brenda Frame says:

    I am really looking forward to getting to know you better Tammy. For someone who has been “hiding and not trusting”, I feel like you have still had the strength to let us “see” you. What you value shows up in your actions, in your motivational talks, in your leadership, in the support you provide to your family and in who you are being! I like who I see – and genuinely would love to get to know you better. Not in the world of entrepreneurship – but in the arena of friendship.

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