Who is driving the car in your relationship?
Not, who is wearing the pants, not who is the decision maker, but which one of you is looking out the windshield at the horizon and which one of you is looking at the instrument panel checking the speed and gas gage? Which one is holding the steering wheel and which one has their foot on the pedal?
You’ve heard it before, the importance of communication in a relationship. How are you doing in that department? I’m not only a speaker, I’m also a talker. I thought I had this communication thing DOWN for my marriage to work. But it turns out that it’s not just me nattering on about all my hopes and dreams that matters, I have to communicate in a way that my husband understands what I am saying. (if you read last week’s blog… this was the message the Universe was sending.)
This past week, while out for a walk to the park, I asked my husband to have a look at my company’s financials with me later because I had a big bold and beautiful a long term plan I want to invest some money into. I was describing the gorgeous long range view that I saw through the windshield. My husband panicked! He was looking at the instrument gauge and saw that the gas tank was a little low and the oil needed to be changed and so he replied with an emphatic NO!
Have you ever let your imagination run wild and fill in the blanks with worst case scenarios from what hasn’t been said?
Long story short, my husband filled in the blanks to hear that I wanted to purchase a million dollar building downtown (which is slightly relevant if you heard the previous conversation that day about a friend of mine’s business plans). But what I was actually talking about was looking to invest in a thousand dollar training program that would increase revenue. So when I heard the NO, I filled in the blanks to hear that my husband didn’t think I was worthy. Do you ever take someone’s no to mean you are not worthy? Could that be a reason you don’t like to say no to others?
And the lesson I wish to share with you, in hopes that you can navigate the road of your relationships better, is this:
If you are the dreamer in the relationship, be a little more specific than “big bold and beautiful” when describing the horizon. Mention that there are some gas stations and restaurants and motels on this road too. If you are the pragmatic instrumentalist, look up at the long range view once in a while and take in the beauty. Either way, talk to each other, in a language that the other person can understand, about what is going on for you in your point of view. And either way, listen. Ask open ended questions to get to the root of the dreams and anxieties. After all we are only Being Human.
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