by tammy | Jul 25, 2023 | Blog, Coaching, Featured
For the past two months, I have been immersed in a Global DEIB Strategy certificate and have loved almost every minute. Were there uncomfortable moments as a non-disabled, cisgender, queer, white woman? You bet there were. But I would argue that if I wasn’t uncomfortable at times, I wasn’t learning.
One of the suggested readings for the course was The Wake Up: Closing the Gap Between Good Intentions and Real Change by Michelle Mijung Kim, and with a phenomenal over-deliver on the part of our instructor, Dr. Cornell Verdeja-Woodson, Michelle Zoomed in for a Q&A during the course. Here are my big takeaways from the course, the book and Michelle’s time with us.
Know why you want to do this work
Actual progress in creating inclusive environments and dismantling systemic barriers can only be achieved when the commitment comes from a genuine desire for change. When people and businesses engage with Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging (DEIB) work solely to avoid being called out or for the sake of appearances, the efforts remain shallow and fleeting, lacking the authenticity required for sustainable transformation. As I mentioned earlier, this is hard and uncomfortable work. If you’re in it for the wrong reasons, giving up is too easy when the going gets tough. But my children are still transgender no matter how weary I get, and a person with a disability doesn’t get to take the disability off just because they’re tired of fighting the good fight.
On the other hand, when we dive into this equity and belonging work from the heart, it’s a game-changer! We understand how important it is, and we’re genuinely fired up about making things fair and just. That’s when we become real change-makers and help others to jump on board too. When we walk the talk and stay true to our values, we’re creating a whole new vibe of empathy and compassion. And guess what? We’re moving full-speed ahead to a future that celebrates diversity, keeps equity alive, and makes every single person feel like they truly belong.
Yes, white women can help
Allyship means that if I am in a room of only cisgender people and someone says something disparaging towards the transgender community, I speak up. I am not transgender and have a great deal of privilege, so I use that privilege. The same applies to race. I will never know the discrimination a BIPOC person faces daily, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be an ally. Am I uncomfortable when a person of colour mentions a long history of white women’s saviourism? Of course! But my white fragility points to where I need to do more work.
I am a firm believer that we as white women need to overcome our guilt around recognizing our racial privilege because if we all come together as marginalized groups—racial, ethnic, ability, neurodiversity, gender diversity, body size, housing access, sexual orientation—we end up being a majority against those sitting at the top with all the power. If white women choose to sit down and be quiet for fear of being called out, the patriarchy and white supremacy win. To this end, historically marginalized groups also need to let go of looking for perfectionism in allyship if we are to get ahead.
Oppression needs liberation
Through The Wake Up and my DEIB course, I have learned that being a true ally means centring historically marginalized people. These individuals are experts in their own experiences, strengths, and needs and deserve to have their voices amplified and their perspectives respected. Instead of being “rescued” or “spoken for,” they should be empowered to be the architects of their own liberation.
Authentic allyship involves actively listening to and learning from these communities, understanding the hurdles they face, and working together to break them down. We’ve got to drop the idea that we know everything and what’s best and instead be committed to tearing down unfair systems and building a world where all perspectives are appreciated and celebrated. That’s how we get closer to a truly fair and inclusive world where everyone can shine without barriers holding them back.
So, do I believe white women need a wake-up? Some do. I think we’re always learning. We can learn to let go of our need to save others to earn a gold star and embrace empowering the historically oppressed. One of the ways we can do that is by reading Michelle’s book The Wake Up. To the white women who are actively doing the work, I see you. Keep it up!
Find out more about how I can offer training in your organization here. Book a discovery call here if you want to take more significant action by Braving Up Your Business with one-on-one Allyship Coaching.
by tammy | Jun 12, 2023 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting
Our home was filled with musicals instead of football and hockey games while my children were growing up. How much of that was influenced by my preference for a theatre seat over an arena? We’ll never know. The point is that for years I have been able to avoid the topic of trans kids in sports because my kids didn’t play in organized gendered leagues. I also avoided the subject because it’s complex, nuanced, and not easily brushed aside with a canned response. But the public discourse on whether transgender children should be allowed to play sports is too loud and insidious to ignore any longer. Here are my well-researched thoughts on transgender kids and sports.
The Benefits
First, I want to address the physical and mental health benefits for all children participating in a sport they love to play. Kids learn about teamwork, the life lessons of winning or losing with grace, self-confidence, goal setting, time management and having fun while developing motor skills. Not including transgender kids in sports purposefully removes these benefits from their lives. However, including trans children in sports offers benefits to their teammates too! It teaches them inclusion and encourages values of non-discrimination, and it broadens their perspectives and allows for the development of empathy. Co-ed recreational teams have existed for decades at all age levels breaking down gender stereotypes and fostering inclusivity, empowerment, and self-confidence.
A Little Dose of Reality
I learned early on with my theatre kids that not every child who takes acting classes goes on to star in a Hollywood movie and even fewer win an Oscar—despite thousands of moms thinking their baby is the cutest thing alive. But that doesn’t mean they can’t love the theatre and have fun with every play. The same applies to sports. Not all sports players are destined to be in professional leagues and the Olympics. We need to let kids be kids and play sports for fun, and those children don’t need strangers to medically examine them before chasing a ball down the pitch and getting excited about it going into a net, even if it’s their own. There is a danger to all children when gender policing could subject girls to invasive tests or accusations of being “too masculine” or “too good” at their sport to play or compete.
Clarifying Transgender Terms
A child who socially transitions and only changes their pronouns and gender expression before puberty is a very different situation than a youth or young adult going through puberty or a medical transition. Before puberty, and when on puberty blockers, the child is a hormonal blank slate. Discussing physical differences between boys and girls shouldn’t exist because there are no secondary sex characteristics in pre-pubescent children.
My transgender son is on testosterone and has facial hair, body hair, broad muscular shoulders and he regularly works out. According to many new rules regarding trans kids in sports, he would be forced to compete on a girl’s team. Suppose you believe that transgender people should compete according to their sex assigned at birth in order to “protect” female athletes against unfair advantages that a trans girl might have. Do you really want my 18-year-old son to compete while on testosterone against female athletes? No. Let’s be honest, this is way more about trans women than trans men and reinforces the patriarchy, policing women’s bodies and stereotypes that women are weak and in need of protection and can’t “play like a boy.”
The Veiled and Overt Discrimination
Before we go around claiming that allowing trans girls to play sports will change the entire face of athletic competition, it’s essential to understand the reality of transgender women when it comes to sports. Saying they have an advantage just because they are transgender overlooks what they actually go through. They face a lot of challenges that give them a tougher time in many other aspects of life. They deal with higher rates of bullying, anxiety, and depression, making it much harder to train and compete. On top of that, they often face issues like homelessness and poverty due to family rejection, and getting to a competitive level in every sport is a very expensive endeavour. It’s no wonder we see so few transgender athletes dominating college sports or medalling in the Olympics. It’s not as simple as saying they have a physical advantage (which is scientifically debunked); there’s a lot more to consider.
I will admit to having been lulled into the idea that maybe transgender athletes should have their own separate leagues like we’re back in the “separate but equal” days. Can you imagine? Apart from all the reasons I’ve already mentioned about why this is unnecessary and the fact that there never would be enough trans athletes to create entire leagues because they are 1% of the population instead of 50%, it’s just plain unfair. Look at women’s sports leagues as an example. Separate doesn’t mean equal at all! Female athletes constantly face fewer rewards, less media attention, and lower pay. (Which, I might argue, is why some are so reluctant to welcome transgender women in their competitions.) If we had a transgender sports league, you can bet it would be dealing with the same problems.
Ultimately, I encourage everyone to let trans kids be kids and play sports like every other child on the team they feel most comfortable with. When they grow and venture into competitive sports, I say the International Olympic Committee framework gives excellent guidelines to follow that politicians need not relitigate.
Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter, and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children.
by tammy | May 16, 2023 | Blog, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting
The Shrek movie played on repeat in our household when it was first released. If you’ve never seen the movie, during one scene, Shrek (an ogre) tries to explain to Donkey that he’s more than what people imagine about being an ogre. They happened to be walking through an onion field, so Shrek uses onions as a metaphor. Donkey, of course, doesn’t understand the similarity: “They smell? They make people cry?” So, Shrek erupts and exclaims that onions have layers and so do ogres. Trans children, like all humans (and animated film characters), also have layers and live full lives beyond their gender identity.
The Breadth of Trans Existence
Transgender kids are students—some with neurodiversity and some with giftedness. They might love reading and anxiously await the release of the newest book from their favourite author. Trans children enjoy extracurricular activities like martial arts, visual arts or acting and are currently practicing for the end-of-school performance. They’re daredevils on their BMX bikes, challenging themselves to new tracks. They’re gamers celebrating their latest level-up. They’re begging their parents for a dog and promising they’ll walk it every day.
Gender-diverse youth are learning to drive and interviewing for their first part-time summer job. They’re passing notes in class and laughing at jokes, and creating memories. They’re embarrassed by their parents and think they know more than them. They need to clean their rooms and eat their vegetables. They make mistakes, learn from them, and then make different mistakes. Life is so much more for them than their body parts and what clothes they wear.
Who is not letting kids be kids?
A repeated comment on my social media posts and one of the loudest rallying cries I hear from people who oppose trans children is to “let kids be kids.” I’d love to! Every day that I don’t have to validate my kids’ existence to someone spouting hateful rhetoric, I’m letting my kids be kids. Funnily enough, the people demanding to let kids be kids are the exact people who focus on children’s genitalia and sexuality without understanding what being transgender as a child truly means.
Defining Transgender: Transgender and nonbinary people have a gender identity (how they think of themselves) or gender expression (how they dress, talk, and act) that differs from the sex or gender they were assigned at birth. Trans children first undergo a fully reversible social transition to the degree of their choosing that consists of changing their wardrobe, pronouns, name, and hairstyle.
When kids are reduced to just one portion of their identity—in this case, their gender and expression—the option to just be kids has been taken away from them. Some are removing their right to play sports despite the physical and mental health benefits. What is more childlike than playing?
Trans kids are not seen by some in society as fully realized human beings because everyone is so focused on the debate around their right to exist.
I speak to other parents of transgender kids and teens on a regular basis, and I can tell you that we are all exhausted and exasperated from having to fight for our child’s right to be themselves. My transgender son and daughter are authentic, beautiful, giving, smart, and caring people who deserve to be seen as more than their body parts or who they will date one day. Think about what they could accomplish if transphobia was removed from the equation. Really, they’d do exactly the same things they have been doing, only without the hate.
Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter, and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children.
by tammy | Apr 25, 2023 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting
The pandemic restrictions have lifted for the most part, and many of us are just itching for a change of scenery after three long years. As a result, some families are looking at traveling with a transgender child for the first time. I remember very well the first time our family travelled within Canada with our trans son six years ago and the stress of not knowing how he would be received going through airport security. We are just now planning our first trip out of the country and going through a list of details to consider. Here are some things to take into account before you head out on vacation.
Know Where You Won’t Be Safe
It is unfortunate, but there are still many countries and cities where being a transgender youth can be unsafe. These places may have laws or societal attitudes that are hostile towards the LGBTQIA+ community, or more specifically, transgender children under the age of majority. Some examples of hostile countries would be Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Malaysia (read more of this list here), and even some states in the US that are working hard at passing bills that limit transgender rights. Even though those bills are valiantly being fought and opposed, you might face transphobic societal views if you choose to visit a place actively looking to limit where your child can use the bathroom or use gender-affirming medications. Here is a list of states that have created anti-trans legislation that you will want to keep in mind when choosing to vacation in America.
Going Through Airport Security
Going through airport security as a transgender person can be a daunting experience, particularly if the gender marker on your child’s ID or passport does not match their gender identity or expression. In such cases, it is important to know your rights and to be prepared to assert them if necessary. Airport security has guidelines in place to protect the privacy and dignity of transgender travelers in queer-friendly countries, which include offering the option of a pat-down instead of a full-body 3D scanner. Keep in mind it’s important to remain calm and assertive if you encounter any difficulties or discrimination during the security screening process and seek assistance from a supervisor or airport authority if needed. Of course, this means you will want to plan ahead to offer yourself enough time to go through any extra hoops. Here is a great article by the National Center for Transgender Equality on managing airport security.
Traveling With Meds
For transgender teens who are on cross-hormone therapy or other forms of medication, vacationing with these items can present unique challenges. It is important to check the laws and regulations of your destination state or country around taking gender-affirming hormones and the airline regarding the transportation of medications and needles. In general, it is recommended to carry medications and needles in their original packaging and to have a letter from your healthcare provider explaining the need for these items. We did this when we travelled with my son’s testosterone during our second cross-country flight. We’d had his legal name changed by then, which matched his appearance, and there were no questions asked. Better to have the letter and not need it than the other way around! Oh, and if your trans child wears prosthetics or other gender-affirming gear, you should also be aware of the regulations surrounding these items. It is advisable to pack any prosthetics or other gear in a carry-on bag to avoid damage or loss and to be prepared to explain the purpose of these items if necessary.
Resist the Urge to Ask Your Kid to Conform
I get it, it would be so much easier if your child could just be their assigned gender on the day you travel. Easier on you as a parent, that is—not on your child. Asking your kid to suck up their gender dysphoria for a day is not only unfair, but it can also be harmful to their mental and emotional well-being. For transgender people, being able to express their gender identity is crucial to their sense of self and overall happiness. Being forced to conform to societal norms or to hide their true selves can lead to feelings of shame, depression, and anxiety.
This does make life more complicated for us as parents of trans children in a world that isn’t always understanding. However, the burden of conforming to gender expectations should not fall on transgender youth but rather on society as a whole to create a more inclusive and accepting environment. While it may seem easier at the moment to ask a transgender child to suppress their identity, the long-term effects on their mental health and self-esteem can be significant.
Dealing With the Anxiety
Dealing with your transgender child’s anxiety in the airport can be a tough situation for both the child and the parent. Approach this situation with empathy, understanding, and a caring attitude, because your kiddo’s anxiety may also cause you stress. To help manage the anxiety, it’s helpful to take the time to listen to your child’s feelings and concerns and to provide a calm and supportive environment. By researching the airport’s policies and procedures ahead of time, you can help your child feel more prepared and reduce anxiety. Talk through how the day will unfold ahead of time and create some plans for hiccups along the way. With a loving and understanding approach, you can help your transgender child navigate the airport with confidence and ease.
To recap, choose a safe destination, plan ahead, give yourself extra time and support and affirm your transgender child’s gender identity, especially when traveling, in order to ensure that they feel safe and comfortable being themselves. Then, enjoy a relaxing holiday and make wonderful memories!
Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter, and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children.
by tammy | Apr 17, 2023 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy
Whether we realize it or not, many of us uphold transphobic beliefs. I freely admit that when my son came out as transgender more than six years ago, much of my fear was rooted in not understanding gender diversity and seeing it as “different.” Our unconscious bias often comes out in small ways, known as microaggressions. Because they seem small, microaggressions are often harder to identify, address, and then change or reform. In this instance, size does matter. Harm is harm, even when it’s a thousand papercuts. What are the costs of these transphobic beliefs, these false narratives about the trans community? Let’s break them down into personal costs and professional costs.
Personal Costs
Inflicting Emotional Harm
I think it’s safe to say that most people don’t go about their day looking to inflict psychological and emotional distress on others. You may say, “I don’t discriminate or use awful slurs!” That’s great. But are you actively working to remove your unconscious bias and address the microaggressions that can slip into our everyday lives? Do you nod your head when pundits declare drag as inappropriate for children? Have you ever said that children shouldn’t be allowed to choose their gender in case it’s just a phase or they’re seeking attention? Those are a few of the false narratives that are hurtful and offensive. They perpetuate the discrimination your trans friends, family, and colleagues are facing on a daily basis and cause emotional harm, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and more.
Strained Relationships
Even if you don’t know anyone personally who is part of the trans community, you probably know their allies, families or friends. Your community notices the jokes you laugh at, the memes you share, and the discourse you’re a part of—they also notice your silence. It’s hard for allies to maintain relationships with people who uphold transphobic beliefs because they are committed to promoting equality and social justice. Allies will gradually or abruptly cut ties with people who are diametrically opposed to supporting their trans friends and family. When it comes down to needing to choose between friendships, allies will make the healthiest choice, and a relationship with someone who is upholding transphobic beliefs is decidedly unhealthy.
Limiting Personal Growth
I get it. The temptation to stay in our little bubbles in life can be very strong. And it can seem much safer. However, when you resist growth and stay within your comfort zone, you may miss out on new opportunities to learn, develop new skills, and achieve your goals. Not to mention the wonderful new people you get to meet. By failing to challenge yourself, you may feel stagnant or stuck in your personal and professional life, which can lead to a lack of motivation, decreased self-confidence, and even depression. None of that sounds very appealing!
Professional Costs
Reputation Damage
Transphobia is just not tolerated by many people today. If you express transphobic views or engage in transphobic behaviour, it can result in negative publicity, backlash from customers or clients, and damage to your reputation. This can lead to lost business and difficulty attracting new clients or customers. Also, being known as tolerant of discrimination in your workplace can make it challenging for you to recruit and retain top-talent employees who value inclusion because many other companies are embracing gender non-conforming and non-binary employees and customers. Employees and customers are less willing to tolerate silence and avoidance of taking a stand to defend gender diversity, and they are unafraid to communicate their displeasure.
Legal and Financial Consequences
Trans rights are human rights. So, any company or professional who perpetuates discrimination or harassment toward anyone in the trans community might face legal and financial consequences. This could include lawsuits, fines, damage to brand reputation, and more. Corporations, both large and small, have workplace policies that include anti-discrimination, and they are usually very clear. The recent report of J.K. Rowling’s 74% drop in profits, thanks to her intolerance of transgender women, is a great example of the financial consequences of spewing transphobia.
Limited Opportunities
As more and more companies prioritize Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DE&I), there are limited professional spaces for people who uphold false narratives about the trans community. When workplaces and businesses are welcoming for all, there is less room for discrimination and discriminatory practices, and those who uphold false beliefs will find it more difficult to find professional opportunities.
Upholding transphobic narratives and false beliefs about any marginalized community is no longer the popular refrain, regardless of how loud the bigoted minority might be at the moment. We need to recognize the personal and professional risks of upholding those narratives. It is far easier and more rewarding to strive for curiosity, understanding and empathy toward all people, regardless of their gender identity and expression.
Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter, and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children.
by tammy | Feb 22, 2023 | Blog, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting
I wonder how many of us can say we just woke up one morning as a minority. The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of minority groups is race (thanks to white privilege); people are born with their skin color. Disabilities can come on quite suddenly and affect someone for the rest of their lives, but again thanks to my privilege, I never considered their perspectives. That was until I experienced my own minority stress.
Yes, me, the white, cisgender, hetero-presenting, able-bodied, neurotypical, middle-class, educated woman. Discrimination was a cold bucket of water on my face. I can only imagine the reality of being BIPOC, disabled or transgender.
My discrimination wake-up call
Initially, the stress showed up in little moments. For example, letting the receptionist at the dentist’s office know to use a new name and pronoun and not knowing if I would be met with an eye roll or more questions than I had answers for at the time. These tiny drops of stress could be managed individually, but I soon realized they added up as I went about life in our small conservative city.
Then I was hit with a much bigger wave of anxiety. I was brand new to volunteering for our local Pride association and put my hand up to attend a workshop on grant applications for local non-profits. Seeing as I knew nothing about the topic, I looked forward to the evening. Armed with my notebook and a new pen, I walked into a room with a dozen tables and small groups forming at each one. My friend from Pride joined, and we sat near the front of the room. Once the class started, the leader asked us to go around and introduce ourselves and what organization we represented. As I watched the other groups speak, I noticed a trend, many older people seemingly volunteering in their retirement years. We were the youngest and the only ones with a progressive organization. This would be the first time I said out loud to a group of strangers that I was with the queer community. Despite my decades of experience with public speaking, my heart raced, and my mouth went dry.
What is Minority Stress?
Minority stress refers to the additional stress experienced by individuals who belong to a minority group, such as a racial or sexual minority. This stress can come from various sources, including discrimination, prejudice, and social inequality. Studies have shown that minority stress can negatively affect mental and physical health, increasing the risk of certain health conditions.
Can a white woman face discrimination?
Yes, an otherwise privileged person can experience minority stress when raising a transgender child. I have lived it first-hand. Even if someone is privileged in other ways, such as being white, cisgender, and economically stable, they may still face hateful comments and targeted discrimination based on their child’s gender identity or expression.
Why we need to Talk About This
Our children will also face minority stress just as we do as parents. But, of course, we try our best to shield our kids—which is why I did most of the coming out in professional settings before introducing my child. So it’s important to know what we’re dealing with and how to bounce back ourselves and how to support our children. Minority stress can have a range of negative effects, such as an increased risk of mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD, substance abuse and addiction, suicide and suicide ideation, cardiovascular disease and other physical health problems, developing chronic conditions such as diabetes and high blood pressure, and of poor sleep quality, which can lead to poor physical and mental health outcomes.
That’s not a very rosy picture now, is it?
What parents can do
It’s essential to seek professional help if you or someone you know is experiencing trauma or mental or physical illness symptoms. A mental health professional can help you understand your symptoms and develop a plan for coping and healing. It’s also important to seek out a provider who is sensitive and knowledgeable about the specific needs of transgender individuals and families and willing to work with you to ensure that you receive appropriate and affirming care. And, though I might sound like a broken record on this, practice self-care. This is our lives now, and we need to train for a marathon of advocacy, not only a sprint. There is still a lot of work ahead, so find a way to manage your stress long-term.
What can allies do
Recognize that others might be fighting a battle you cannot see. Take the time to educate yourself about the challenges faced by Transgender people and their affirming families. Listen to their stories and experiences and offer support. This can include providing emotional support, helping them to access resources and services, and advocating for their needs. Challenge your own biases by actively working to become more aware of how your actions and words may contribute to minority stress experienced by gender-diverse people and their families. And finally, stand up for trans rights and help to create a safe and inclusive environment, including policy change at the local, state/provincial, and national levels. By definition, minority groups are too small to make sweeping electoral changes—they need allies to fight for their rights.
In the end, if you have ever felt anxiety or stress around raising a transgender child, you are not alone, and your feelings are entirely valid. Seek support and practice self-care. You want to be your best self as you support your child on this unique and rewarding journey.
Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children.
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