Transgender Kids and Sports

by tammy | Jun 12, 2023 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting

Our home was filled with musicals instead of football and hockey games while my children were growing up. How much of that was influenced by my preference for a theatre seat over an arena? We’ll never know. The point is that for years I have been able to avoid the topic of trans kids in sports because my kids didn’t play in organized gendered leagues. I also avoided the subject because it’s complex, nuanced, and not easily brushed aside with a canned response. But the public discourse on whether transgender children should be allowed to play sports is too loud and insidious to ignore any longer. Here are my well-researched thoughts on transgender kids and sports.

The Benefits

First, I want to address the physical and mental health benefits for all children participating in a sport they love to play. Kids learn about teamwork, the life lessons of winning or losing with grace, self-confidence, goal setting, time management and having fun while developing motor skills. Not including transgender kids in sports purposefully removes these benefits from their lives. However, including trans children in sports offers benefits to their teammates too! It teaches them inclusion and encourages values of non-discrimination, and it broadens their perspectives and allows for the development of empathy. Co-ed recreational teams have existed for decades at all age levels breaking down gender stereotypes and fostering inclusivity, empowerment, and self-confidence.

A Little Dose of Reality

I learned early on with my theatre kids that not every child who takes acting classes goes on to star in a Hollywood movie and even fewer win an Oscar—despite thousands of moms thinking their baby is the cutest thing alive. But that doesn’t mean they can’t love the theatre and have fun with every play. The same applies to sports. Not all sports players are destined to be in professional leagues and the Olympics. We need to let kids be kids and play sports for fun, and those children don’t need strangers to medically examine them before chasing a ball down the pitch and getting excited about it going into a net, even if it’s their own. There is a danger to all children when gender policing could subject girls to invasive tests or accusations of being “too masculine” or “too good” at their sport to play or compete.

Clarifying Transgender Terms

A child who socially transitions and only changes their pronouns and gender expression before puberty is a very different situation than a youth or young adult going through puberty or a medical transition. Before puberty, and when on puberty blockers, the child is a hormonal blank slate. Discussing physical differences between boys and girls shouldn’t exist because there are no secondary sex characteristics in pre-pubescent children.

My transgender son is on testosterone and has facial hair, body hair, broad muscular shoulders and he regularly works out. According to many new rules regarding trans kids in sports, he would be forced to compete on a girl’s team. Suppose you believe that transgender people should compete according to their sex assigned at birth in order to “protect” female athletes against unfair advantages that a trans girl might have. Do you really want my 18-year-old son to compete while on testosterone against female athletes? No. Let’s be honest, this is way more about trans women than trans men and reinforces the patriarchy, policing women’s bodies and stereotypes that women are weak and in need of protection and can’t “play like a boy.”

The Veiled and Overt Discrimination

Before we go around claiming that allowing trans girls to play sports will change the entire face of athletic competition, it’s essential to understand the reality of transgender women when it comes to sports. Saying they have an advantage just because they are transgender overlooks what they actually go through. They face a lot of challenges that give them a tougher time in many other aspects of life. They deal with higher rates of bullying, anxiety, and depression, making it much harder to train and compete. On top of that, they often face issues like homelessness and poverty due to family rejection, and getting to a competitive level in every sport is a very expensive endeavour. It’s no wonder we see so few transgender athletes dominating college sports or medalling in the Olympics. It’s not as simple as saying they have a physical advantage (which is scientifically debunked); there’s a lot more to consider.

I will admit to having been lulled into the idea that maybe transgender athletes should have their own separate leagues like we’re back in the “separate but equal” days. Can you imagine? Apart from all the reasons I’ve already mentioned about why this is unnecessary and the fact that there never would be enough trans athletes to create entire leagues because they are 1% of the population instead of 50%, it’s just plain unfair. Look at women’s sports leagues as an example. Separate doesn’t mean equal at all! Female athletes constantly face fewer rewards, less media attention, and lower pay. (Which, I might argue, is why some are so reluctant to welcome transgender women in their competitions.) If we had a transgender sports league, you can bet it would be dealing with the same problems.

Ultimately, I encourage everyone to let trans kids be kids and play sports like every other child on the team they feel most comfortable with. When they grow and venture into competitive sports, I say the International Olympic Committee framework gives excellent guidelines to follow that politicians need not relitigate.

Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter, and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children. 

Traveling with a Trans Child

by tammy | Apr 25, 2023 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting

The pandemic restrictions have lifted for the most part, and many of us are just itching for a change of scenery after three long years. As a result, some families are looking at traveling with a transgender child for the first time. I remember very well the first time our family travelled within Canada with our trans son six years ago and the stress of not knowing how he would be received going through airport security. We are just now planning our first trip out of the country and going through a list of details to consider. Here are some things to take into account before you head out on vacation.

Know Where You Won’t Be Safe

It is unfortunate, but there are still many countries and cities where being a transgender youth can be unsafe. These places may have laws or societal attitudes that are hostile towards the LGBTQIA+ community, or more specifically, transgender children under the age of majority. Some examples of hostile countries would be Nigeria, Saudi Arabia, Malaysia (read more of this list here), and even some states in the US that are working hard at passing bills that limit transgender rights. Even though those bills are valiantly being fought and opposed, you might face transphobic societal views if you choose to visit a place actively looking to limit where your child can use the bathroom or use gender-affirming medications. Here is a list of states that have created anti-trans legislation that you will want to keep in mind when choosing to vacation in America.

Going Through Airport Security

Going through airport security as a transgender person can be a daunting experience, particularly if the gender marker on your child’s ID or passport does not match their gender identity or expression. In such cases, it is important to know your rights and to be prepared to assert them if necessary. Airport security has guidelines in place to protect the privacy and dignity of transgender travelers in queer-friendly countries, which include offering the option of a pat-down instead of a full-body 3D scanner. Keep in mind it’s important to remain calm and assertive if you encounter any difficulties or discrimination during the security screening process and seek assistance from a supervisor or airport authority if needed. Of course, this means you will want to plan ahead to offer yourself enough time to go through any extra hoops. Here is a great article by the National Center for Transgender Equality on managing airport security.

Traveling With Meds

For transgender teens who are on cross-hormone therapy or other forms of medication, vacationing with these items can present unique challenges. It is important to check the laws and regulations of your destination state or country around taking gender-affirming hormones and the airline regarding the transportation of medications and needles. In general, it is recommended to carry medications and needles in their original packaging and to have a letter from your healthcare provider explaining the need for these items. We did this when we travelled with my son’s testosterone during our second cross-country flight. We’d had his legal name changed by then, which matched his appearance, and there were no questions asked. Better to have the letter and not need it than the other way around! Oh, and if your trans child wears prosthetics or other gender-affirming gear, you should also be aware of the regulations surrounding these items. It is advisable to pack any prosthetics or other gear in a carry-on bag to avoid damage or loss and to be prepared to explain the purpose of these items if necessary.

Resist the Urge to Ask Your Kid to Conform

I get it, it would be so much easier if your child could just be their assigned gender on the day you travel. Easier on you as a parent, that is—not on your child. Asking your kid to suck up their gender dysphoria for a day is not only unfair, but it can also be harmful to their mental and emotional well-being. For transgender people, being able to express their gender identity is crucial to their sense of self and overall happiness. Being forced to conform to societal norms or to hide their true selves can lead to feelings of shame, depression, and anxiety.

This does make life more complicated for us as parents of trans children in a world that isn’t always understanding. However, the burden of conforming to gender expectations should not fall on transgender youth but rather on society as a whole to create a more inclusive and accepting environment. While it may seem easier at the moment to ask a transgender child to suppress their identity, the long-term effects on their mental health and self-esteem can be significant.

Dealing With the Anxiety

Dealing with your transgender child’s anxiety in the airport can be a tough situation for both the child and the parent. Approach this situation with empathy, understanding, and a caring attitude, because your kiddo’s anxiety may also cause you stress. To help manage the anxiety, it’s helpful to take the time to listen to your child’s feelings and concerns and to provide a calm and supportive environment. By researching the airport’s policies and procedures ahead of time, you can help your child feel more prepared and reduce anxiety. Talk through how the day will unfold ahead of time and create some plans for hiccups along the way. With a loving and understanding approach, you can help your transgender child navigate the airport with confidence and ease.

To recap, choose a safe destination, plan ahead, give yourself extra time and support and affirm your transgender child’s gender identity, especially when traveling, in order to ensure that they feel safe and comfortable being themselves. Then, enjoy a relaxing holiday and make wonderful memories!

Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter, and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children. 

The financial reality of raising a trans child

by tammy | Jan 31, 2023 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting

Long story short, raising a transgender youth is expensive. Whether it’s affirming your child with a social transition, addressing your child and your mental health, or later on supporting your youth or young adult with medical care, the costs quickly add up.

I purposefully chose not to dive too deep into this topic when I wrote the book Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children for two main reasons. First, I didn’t want to discourage parents from affirming and supporting their gender-diverse youth. While this can be an expensive journey, there are supports available. Also, I wanted the book to focus on that initial stage of social transition, and this blog will take a deeper look past those first 100 days.

Social Transition Costs

Socially transitioning refers to the process of publicly presenting as a gender that is different from the one assigned at birth. It involves changing one’s name, pronouns, clothing, hairstyle, and other aspects of their appearance to align with their true gender identity.

Here are some items that you as a parent or caregiver may need to purchase to support your child socially transitioning:

Clothing, hair care and grooming products, makeup, and voice training: Depending on the youth’s gender identity, they may need to purchase new clothing and accessories that align with their preferred gender expression. They may want to dress, groom, or speak more femininely, masculinely or androgynously.

Legal name change and ID documentation: Some youth may choose to change their name legally, which can involve court fees and other legal document expenses. You may also need to register for new ID documentation, such as a driver’s license, birth certificate or passport that reflects your child’s new name and gender marker.

Gender-affirming gear, such as packers or breast forms, are prosthetic devices that can be worn in underwear to give the appearance of a bulge. They can be made of silicone or other materials and come in various sizes and shapes. Stand-to-pee devices allow trans masculine people to stand and urinate. Gaffs are undergarments that can be worn to flatten the genitals, and binders are compression garments to help flatten the chest or create a more masculine or androgynous shape.

The cost of socially transitioning can vary greatly depending on the youth’s needs and your financial resources. Some people may need to purchase all of these items, while others may not need to buy any of them. The tricky part for a parent is to be able to budget wisely because buying everything at once may not always be possible.

Mental health support

In my blog on finding a gender-affirming psychologist, I cover that not every trans person needs a therapist. But if there is a need, the cost of seeing a psychologist can vary greatly depending on several factors, such as where you live, your insurance coverage, and the specific type of services you seek.

Generally, the cost of seeing a psychologist can range from around $75 to $250 per hour. Some psychologists charge a flat rate for each session, while others charge according to a sliding scale based on the client’s income.

It’s also worth noting that while seeing a psychologist can be expensive, it can also be a valuable investment in one’s mental health and well-being. In some cases where there is a co-occurrence of a severe mental illness, mental health is essential and not optional. Therefore, it’s important to consider the potential benefits of therapy when evaluating the costs.

Medical care

I could write an entire book on what it’s like to parent a child through a medical transition (and I’m strongly considering it), so I will briefly explain it here. Access to health care varies widely according to the country and province or state you live in. They can include hormone blockers, puberty blockers, cross hormones, hormonal replacement therapy, and surgical procedures on the face, chest, genitals and more. (Quick side note for any misinformed doubters: surgery is not performed on 8-year-olds! There are scientific international standards of care.)

Generally, medical interventions are typically covered by Canadian public healthcare and private health insurance when prescribed as part of a gender-affirming therapy plan. However, out-of-pocket costs can still be high, particularly if a person does not have insurance coverage or if their insurance has a high deductible. An American coaching client of mine shared with me just last week that for her insurer hormone blockers are billed at 8 times the rate when the child is under 18 compared to over 18! And the medication is four times the cost in the US compared to Canada. Mindblowing. Therefore, it’s advisable to check with your healthcare provider and insurance provider for specific cost information and to explore options for financial assistance if needed.

Here are a few examples of extra medical costs that your provincial health care or insurance won’t cover. Some families may need to travel to a different location for medical interventions, which can include expenses for transportation, lodging, and meals. You may need to take time off work before and after, which can result in lost wages or income. Also, you may need to arrange for childcare or eldercare during medical appointments, especially if travelling. Finally, deductibles or choosing providers who your insurance company does not cover will also result in paying out of pocket.

Self-care for parents

I am a massive advocate for a parent to prioritize their respite and self-care. I wrote a blog here with several ideas of how you can fuel your resilience to stay the course. Some ideas are reasonable, such as taking a bath or walking in nature, while others are more costly.

If you need a mentor coach for a personalized plan, a therapist to work through childhood trauma, or a couple’s therapist to avoid an even more costly divorce, please work caring for yourself into your budget for caring for your child. This is an enriching journey this raising transgender youth. The sense of pride and joy and connection and authenticity is beyond measure. But we must make it through the stressful parts first, which can only be accomplished if we put on our oxygen masks as parents.

Many of these financial realities are unavoidable and can vary according to your family’s resources and your trans youth’s needs. My best advice is to go into affirming your trans child as an informed parent or caregiver with a clear plan of action, including a workable budget.

Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children. 

Grandparents of Trans Children

by tammy | Dec 15, 2022 | Blog, Featured, LGBTQ Advocacy, Parenting

No matter at what age our children come forward with their truth about their gender identity, once we start affirming them and supporting a social transition, we eventually must have conversations with extended family. I have dedicated a whole chapter around this in Beyond Pronouns, focusing mainly on the need to let the child take the lead, the parent’s experience coming out to service providers, and especially how to protect the transgender person from microaggressions and outright transphobia.

Since writing the book, I have had some excellent conversations with grandparents of trans children about their experiences. It was pretty enlightening to hear their point of view. There is a unique quality of love felt by a grandparent, but it is love just the same. So let’s look at the nuance outside the binary of being a perfectly affirming grandparent and a transphobic one.

No control

Many self-aware grandparents understand their place in the pecking order of decision-making with children in the family. Many a mother-in-law over history has been told to keep her opinions to herself. Because of that, grandparents have said to me that they feel lost and have no control when they are told about their grandchild dealing with gender dysphoria. I could relate to that loss of power as a parent myself. Still, at least I was in the doctor’s office and making therapy appointments and had some sense of participation and immediacy in the process. In contrast, grandparents often hear about it after the fact.

No room for grace

One grandmother told me she struggled with being told by her daughter how she was to feel when she learned that her grandchild was a trans girl. She was only to feel happy about the transition, not ask questions, and there was absolutely no room for occasional mistakes with chosen names or pronouns. Further, her daughter threatened to remove access to the grandchild if grandma couldn’t be completely affirming immediately. While I fully understand the want and need to protect transgender children from harm, this description didn’t sound very fair when I consider how I made my own mistakes early on in my son’s transition, and I am a fierce ally and advocate. Sometimes grandparents need to be seen for their humanity and given some grace.

No access to support

While extended family can easily read my book, the subtitle says specifically it’s for parents of trans children and most of the support groups out there are also focused on parents, even though we welcome all caregivers. Grandparents may not realize they are welcome to access those supports. Add to that the reality that grandparents come from a generation where gender diversity was never discussed or taught in schools. So they are coming at this completely in the dark. Further, they were mostly raised not to discuss this type of topic in polite company, and if the child has chosen to be stealth, they won’t be able to discuss the transition with friends. It is difficult to process a major life change alone.

Again, protecting trans children from painful rhetoric and microaggressions is very important. We also need to consider the perspective of grandparents who love their grandchildren and need more education and opportunities to practice using a chosen name and correct pronouns. That might look like sharing resources like my free Amp Up Your Allyship Boot Camp with the grandparent or going coffee alone as adults and having an open, loving conversation about the new terminology.

One last word for grandparents, I understand having a heart full of love and also feeling fear about something you don’t understand. Please learn as much as you can on your own from reputable sources such as Trevor Project, and be patient with your children as everyone is processing a significant change that can be stressful for everyone involved. You’ve got this. Just keep leading with love.

Download the ebook Defining Transgender here to stay in touch through my newsletter and don’t forget to grab your copy of Beyond Pronouns: The Essential Guide for Parents of Trans Children.