Almost two years ago, my youngest child asked to have the robot wallpaper in their bedroom removed, and the walls painted pink. That request was followed up quickly with the reassurance, “I’m just a boy who likes pink.” My child then proceeded to grow long hair and wear nail polish to school for another year. Finally, my youngest child asked for skirts and tights as a birthday present this past April. We sat in that tastefully decorated pink room a month later and had the most honest and authentic conversation in 15 years.
“Mom, I’m transgender.”
I wasn’t surprised, but I was still shocked. A cold tingle pricked at my cheeks while I took a split second to give myself a pep talk mentally. Okay, Tammy, you wrote the book on this. So what’s the first thing you’re supposed to do and say here?
“I love you. I support you. What do you need from me?”
My fourth and youngest child is a transgender 15-year-old girl who was assigned male at birth. Her chosen name is Rose. To know her and her love of flowers is to know that it is the most fitting name a person has ever worn.
I may have written the essential guide for parents of trans children, but I still needed support upon learning that I was about to embark on the road I had just travelled with my trans son. So, my first call was to my dear friend Kiersten, the co-leader of Parenting with Pride and a trans woman. She reminded me of all the things we both say to parents when they come to our support group—most importantly, to let Rose drive the bus. Allowing Mitchell to take the lead terrified me because I didn’t know the road we were travelling on. It wasn’t any easier this time because I knew where the road led. I still had to wait and allow Rose to make all the right choices for her.
The question I saw behind everyone’s eyes
Could Rose be saying she’s transgender because of all the attention Mitchell received for being trans? For most people, that question hung in the silence between our telling them our youngest child now uses a new name and their range of replies from “okay” to “great!” But some friends were close enough and comfortable enough to come out and ask the question point blank.
For those who really know Rose, the last thing you would assume of her is to want any form of attention. But knowing her can be a difficult feat in and of itself because she is so reserved. Rose is also not swayed by anyone’s suggestions or current trends. She marches to the beat of her own drum and is quite happy to be the only one in the band.
The Pain and Pleasure Theory
I’ve studied humans a lot in my careers as a registered nurse, as a life coach, and in university psych courses. We are all hardwired for survival, and that includes avoiding pain—physical pain and the social pain of not belonging. If avoiding pain is such a deep-seated survival instinct for humans, why on earth would anyone pretend to be a trans woman for attention?
By Rose standing in her truth, she is completely aware that she is giving up the privilege of a white man to be targeted by misogyny. She’s already received cat calls. She’s very aware of transphobia because while we choose to show the positives of Mitchell’s transition, there have been negatives over the years. Rose’s requests for affirming her gender identity were for hormones and surgery, which include a plethora of pain from blood tests and injections to later undergoing elective surgical procedures. What person moves towards that sort of pain only to get their family’s attention?
I readily believe that my child is transgender because I have seen the beauty on the faces of affirmed gender-diverse people for six years now. While I am not trans and will never experience gender dysphoria, I have witnessed it enough not to wish it on anyone for a second longer than it needs to exist. I believe we all have bodily autonomy and would all benefit from a prolonged internal exploration of who we truly are. When someone tells me they’ve done that exploration, I will always celebrate them.
Welcome to the world, Rose!